Sometimes I feel a pressure building up within myself, and I wonder if it has to do with me wanting to live up to high standards at all times. There is a lot of “all-or-nothing” type thinking happening for me.
Of course, there are situations when my eating disorder creeps in, and it does not allow me to follow specific rules or do things, but all in all, I consider myself as quite a compliant person. I can go days without any silly decisions, or even feeling the pressure building up in me. It’s almost like there is a situation which fills the kettle up. Then something else happens, and the kettle is full. A few days, hours or even minutes later something switches on the power. And then it happens. It starts heating up and up. I often don’t even notice and feel number, than anything.
By the time the water boils, I lose control.
“Robot Nina takes over”
I like to call her “Robot Nina”, as I literally feel she has nothing in common with my rational self, she is solely fueled by the boiling kettle and then drives my body into silly and dangerous situations.
In the real world, they seem to call it impulsiveness. A dangerous side-effect of my illness and it has gotten me into unpleasant situations for me and also for my loved ones. It is hard to explain what happens and although, I promise it won’t happen again, “Robot Nina” and the kettle are still within me.
I need to learn to catch the early warning signs and re-direct my path when the kettle gets filled up. This is not an easy lesson – but I think it’s possible. Perfectionism plays into this. There is more than black and white in this wonderful world, and I am hoping to learn this so I can keep the pain of my impulsiveness away from my loved ones and myself.
Have you experienced this before? As always, I would love to hear from you.