I want to write about something, some of you may have experienced. The below can apply to anyone of any size living with an eating disorder, as our self-perception is not always accurate. I am sharing this, as a person going through intensive eating disorder treatment in a bigger body.
A lot can happen in eating-disorder-land and, sometimes we are putting our bodies at severe medical and psychological risk. Your rational mind might know that it has nothing to do with body-size, for the other part of you – not so much.
Naso-Gastric feeding is a possibility at this stage for anybody. Especially the first time, that’s scary news. How? Why? What about my reserves? You might think about all the areas on your body carrying those reserves. The news is, it doesn’t seem to matter.
After the rather unpleasant experience of having the tube inserted, you now sit there. A mixture of physical pain and worry overcomes you. It gets more comfortable as the days go by.
One thought though, never leaves: People look at me and think ”What do they need that for, look at their size”. This judgement comes at you from different angles, and as always, loudest from your mind.
Eating disorders are competitive. We compete with each other and most destructively with our disorder. Adding the pain of a feeling of inequality, because of a specific size hurts. It really does.
I guess I am only sharing this, as these are thoughts I have been having lately. I am lucky to have met many wonderful people who support and disprove my self-judgment. Concluding, if you feel this way it is ok. Many of us do, and it does apply to many sizes on the spectrum.
You are never alone.