I am sure you have heard about recovery not always being a linear process. Learning that first hand has been a painful lesson. In this post, I am going to go deep and personal and tell you about my experience with this.
Following my last admission, I thought I was on the right track. I made a plan with my treatment team, and I was ready to kick this in the butt and out of my life. Ok, hang on a minute – I still am!
In the past couple of weeks, I have been pushing myself hard. I wanted to make up for all the time I missed in my job and run at 100 miles an hour. How was that working out for me? Take a guess – Yep, not too well.
My inner perfectionist and ’people-pleaser’ attitude let me avoid all personal issues successfully, and I was committed to being a great colleague at work, great partner and fully function in everything. To paint a picture here: I was working at high capacity for long hours. Signed myself up for a six-week gym challenge. I made a ’small’ goal of no eating disorder behaviours for at least six weeks. On my day off I was not just attending one appointment a day, but three to really prove to myself that I don’t need any rest. The household hat to be spotless, makeup and clothing for work perfect and so on – you get the picture.
This week it hit me hard, and I fell into a full-blown relapse. Not that everything was gone before, but I thought I could simply avoid it. Nope. I can rely on the demons within me, to remind me they are still part of the party.
Now I am finding myself stuck in an inpatient unit again, stressing to make it all work and I am terrified about facing the consequences because of this, in both my personal and professional life. Balancing it all is so hard, especially if you expect of yourself to do everything perfectly.
This now leaves me here, a little upset and disheartened, but ready to try again tomorrow. As a conclusion, I can state recovery is not a linear process and a rollercoaster to say the least. BUT: it will be ok!
I take from this that I urgently need to learn to balance it all to get the most out of each aspect of my life. Have you made a similar experience? As always, I would love to hear from you.