Sometimes it all gets too much and all built up frustration comes out all at once. If you are not overly good at regulating your emotions, or under a lot of stress it can become even more explosive. Battling against you own stubborn mind at that stage can be even harder. Today I won, let me tell you how.
It all started last night when it felt impossible to eat my dinner. It is so absurd because part of me knew, a sandwich is not going to harm me, but there is this ever loud Eating Disorder in my head which just could not give me permission. It all ended with lots of tears and me wanting to leave inpatient treatment. My support network helped me through it and I ended up staying. I thought that’s that – good it’s over.
Yeah no. After a very slow morning and low mood, it hit me, AGAIN: I had to go home. I had to leave right now and this treatment is not getting me anywhere. Once I get to that stage I find that one part of my brain finds all sorts of logical reasons, that this is a good idea. It has to happen right now. Don’t delay it – get out of here right now. Within ten minutes I had packed my bags and let the nursing staff know I am ready to leave. I was so determined and this massive pride in me was not able to give in. I was ready to chuck a tantrum and told everyone I was going home on repeat. My bags were packed, linen off my bed – I was clearly ready to go and over all of this.
After a rather uncomfortable discussion with my treating doctor, I was still determined to leave and whilst waiting for discharging papers it hit me: This is a very stupid idea and you are lucky to be here and receive the treatment you need. It took me all my strength to go to the nurse and tell her I wanted to stay. Many more tears later I was back in my room and a few hours later I unpacked my bags.
I can be unbelievably stubborn and once I set my mind on something I temp to go through with it no matter what. At that stage giving in is a bigger weakness, than any not smart decision I could make. This time the wiser part of me took control and won against that stubbornness. Quite a big achievement for me personally. Swalling down your pride and sticking out the uncomfortable moments after such a vulnerable performance is not easy.
I was not weak for giving in and asking for support. (Even writing that still feels pretty wrong…) You don’t have to follow that stubborn self-destructive voice to prove a point to anyone. Impulsive decisions can be dangerous and I hope that you find the same support I found today when you are ready to throw it all away and just give up. Sometimes the support is where you least expect it – right within yourself.
Recovery is not an easy ride and not linear but every little triumph counts. Have you had any breakthrough moments on your journey? I would love to hear about it. Magic happens out of the comfort zone, does it?